Are there alien space ports on the dark side of the moon? Of course there are, stupid!

Is there a perfectly formed 10 mile square face of an alien tribesman on the surface of the mars? Why, yes! Yes, there is!

Do aliens exist amongst us? And probe us with little tools when we’re queuing up to pay our council tax? Most definitely!

In this edition of L&BMotU, we explore the secrets in the now infamous “stomping alien” photographed in 2004 by the mars explorer Spirit. Is this proof of extra-terrestrial intelligence? Are there strange man-beasts wandering the red sands of the mars?

The answer is, objectively, OF COURSE THERE ARE!!!!

And we can prove it too! With the power of Lemmy&Binky patented image enhancement technology, we’ll try to improve the fidelity of the image so that we can answer the question that rages across the Interweb once and for all:

Man-Eating-Mars-Monster or Small-Weird-Shaped-Pebble?

First we will look at the original, un-improvinated image. In case you’re too stupid to see the “obviously a strolling alien being” part of the image, we’ve circled it.

Convinced yet? You should be!

But thanks to modern computer imaging techniques, we are capable of improving the image so as to more easily see the creeping creature. Using special “pixel-enlarging” algorithms, we are able to increase the size of each pixel comprising the Man-Eating-Mars-Monster to see it more clearly:

Convinced yet? You should be!

Spooky! As you can see from the “enlarginated” image, the Man-Munching Beast of Gusev Crater has one arm extended forwards in mid-stride, and is clearly nonchalantly glancing over toward the mars explorer. We can see the shape of its right leg clearly as he wanders along looking for mars biscuits or whatever he eats (besides peoples!)

Let’s “enlarginate” on the face a little more, see if we can’t determine if that is genuinely a face and not merely a bit o’ mars grit.

Convinced yet? You should be!

It’s hard to tell at this stage. The darkened areas around the top and left of the “head-mass” could possibly be some kind of martian hair-piece, or just a bit of shadow? Also what look like dark cavities where man-spying eye holes could possibly go? I guess we’ll never know!

But wait! There are still a few L&B image “improvination” techniques which may yield us some answers, and sort this whole debate out once and for all! By doing a “tri-pass interpolation and guesstimation processing” on it. This will basically shrink the size of the pixels, and add details we didn’t know were there!

In the first pass, this is the results we get:

Convinced yet? You should be!

Positively ghoulish! We can see the details of this creature much more clearly now. Anyone who disregards this as real evidence of extra-terrestrial mars shenanigans is clearly a fool now! We’re starting to make out details that could be a nose of some description, and the dark “eye” regions are coming through a lot clearer. Also, is that an ear? The answer is clearly: DEFFO!

Let’s go to pass #2:

Convinced yet? You should be!

Okay, this is starting to actually freak us out now. We were just trying to have a joke at what we thought was clearly not an alien, but after a second pass we can clearly see a mouth, and even the whites of the eyes! This is scary! We’re not even sure we dare run the third pass!

Crumbs!

Well that’s a turn up for the books! It would appear that the Man-Eating-Mars-Monster of Gusev Crater is none other than British National Lottery host, Dale Winton!

Argue with that, internet sceptics!

We hope these extraordinary findings will lead to a thorough investigation by Nasa. What is Dale doing wandering the surface of the mars exactly? The public deserve the truth!

So that’s it, really! Join us again next time, when we discover the secrets of the pyramids, and if aliens did actually build them or not (which the answer, obviously, is YES THEY DID!)

We’ve got big shoes to fill, but think we’ve got what it takes to continue the exciting adventures of Jake and Lock on that mystical island of intrigue. Long time readers will already know of our keen writing skills, and as such will be relieved to hear the show is in good hands.

And to celebrate our new posts as head writers on Lost (it still gives us a buzz to write that!) we can treat you to an exclusive sneak peek at the script! We hope you agree we’ve really managed to find the voice of the characters, and we hope that the feel of the show will remain unchanged under our guidance.

But beware, if you’ve not seen up to the end of season 3, then extreme spoilers afoot!

EXT. ISLAND - DAY

Jake and Kate are walking along. 

                      JAKE
          Gosh, we really need to get off this
          island, cute tits.

                      KATE
          LOL you’re not wrong there Jake. This
          island is totally messed up.
          Especially that monster reckon we’ll
          see it again today?

                      JAKE
          Dunno.

EXT. ISLAND - DAY

Lock talks with Ben about something.

                      LOCK
          Damn it Ben now those other guys are
          gonna come to the island I bet this
          isn’t gonna go well.

                      BEN
          Totally. :’(

                      LOCK
          But then you shot me and that. I’m
          angry at you you’re like a baddie
          again.

                      BEN
          I was always a baddie but it’s totally
          relative and that. Like, Jake and them
          are the baddies to me! We’ll prob be
          all on the same side now these worse
          guys shown up.

                      LOCK
          Suppose.

EXT. ISLAND - DAY

Desmond talks to Claire.

                      DESMOND
          I’m totally gutted about Charlie and
          that. I thought it was like fate, but
          what if it was my fault cause I said
          to go? I dunno.

                      CLAIRE
          Aww. Don’t worry I forgive you and
          maybe you can help look after the baby
          to kind of have a resolve about it?

                      DESMOND
          Class.

EXT. ISLAND - NIGHT

Jake and Kate are still walking. 

                      JAKE
          Crumbs. It’s night. The monster will
          prob come now.

                      KATE
          That’d totally suck.

                      JAKE
          LOL yeah I know.

A huge rumble from the trees. Trees fly out the floor.

                      JAKE (CONT’D)
          Crap!

                      KATE
          I hope we find out what that thing is
          soon it’s doing my head in!

                      JAKE
          I think it’s some kind of machine it
          totally sounds that way!

                      KATE
          Yeah I know. Anyway RUN!

They start to run. Kate trips over and Jake goes back.

                      JAKE
          I’m not leaving you! I haven’t got
          chance to have the sex with you yet!

                      KATE
          Dirty! Anyway I’m probs all pregnant to
          Sawyer. We didn’t have johnnies in
          that cage.

                      JAKE
          Gutted.  

They run again.

Learn this video inside out, show it to your children, pass it on to your friends. The message must be spread, before it’s too late!

We think it’s something to do with self-harm, or leprosy, or something. The sound’s is not working on our PCs.

URGENT: How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

It’s dead good, promise. And no, that was not a pun. Well, it was, but not an intentional one. Look, just watch the video, okay?

Oh yes, and digg it, before it’s too late! DIGG IT NOW!

It’s got a Lovely Log in it too! And that Ben guy off the Peter Sandwich show, but we forget his name.

Being a celeb (or ‘sleb’ as us literally geniuses might call it) is a big pain in the arse, isn’t it?

Of course, many of you are not famous like us, so you probably don’t know what we’re talking about. But just trust us when we say it is a royal pain in the Netherlands!

Now that we’re in this oft sought-after position, we felt it our duty to share our experiences with you, the plebs. I don’t mean that in an insulting way of course - there’s nothing necessarily wrong with being a pleb and, in fact, nowadays we rather dream of being able to drift through life in that vacuous, nondescript, and rather bland way that you people do.

On Why We’re Obviously Totally Famous

Before we move onto dealing with fame, first we will explain how famous we are. There are no egotistical motives for this at all, we are just using it as an example of how great and famous we are.

Since starting this blog, and the release of the hit internet game Click the Spot, Lemmy&Binky have become somewhat of an internet phenomenon. With a readership of over 100 people a day–which is a lot when you think about it–most of the peoples in the world will probably know who we are now, even if they don’t like to admit it. Let’s do some working out!

The blog has been running for over a year now. If we assume that 100 people a day have been visiting the blog since day one then this can be worked out as such:

365 x 100 = 36,500

Wowzers! That’s scientific proof that over 36 thousand actual people have read our blog!

A quick thought experiment for you: Imagine a big group of people in a big room. If you were to guess, how many people would you say there are in this imaginary room? Lots? Sure. More than 36,500? I somehow doubt it.

36,500 is such a huge amount of people that if you converted each person into a pound coin, you could probably buy a brand new Lexus (well, a nearly new one, at least) and even have some money left over for petrol!

Can you think of a number bigger than 36,500? Well we can, only just… but we need to sit down and really concentrate to do it.

Hence why we find it extraordinarily unlikely that there are more people than this in the world.

Not only because we can imagine the entire world without needing to sitting down first, but also having loads more people than 36,500 people would surely make the world too heavy and fall down, or something?

So we can only realistically conclude, from all this, that we are a bonifide household name by now.

So having finally made it to the big-time, we made a startling realisation…

[cue spooky music]

…we realisated that fame is not all it’s cracked up to be…

How People React When They See a Famous

All of us hyper-famous slebs have faced this problem at one point or another. You’re sat at the front of the bus. It stops, and some pretty girl gets on. She walks by you, clearly thinking to herself “oooh look, it’s those guys who did Click the Spot! Sitting on the bus just like us common folk!”

You wink knowingly, but she just casts her eyes away uncomfortably, clearly humbled and shy to be in the presence of someone who’s made it.

She sits down as far away from you as possible, clearly worried that you would think she was stalking you or something.

But no, you’re better than that… You can’t just shun away from the little people who helped you get where you are in the first place!

So you stand up and walk to the back of the bus, slumping nonchalantly down besides her, and telling her that it’s alright–You’re a person just like her, kind of.

Okay, you’re a better person. A more important person. A person who has done something great enough to become famous, but a person all the same.

It is about now that the jealousy invariably sets in. She moves to an empty seat, casting you a venomous look of envy before burying her head in a book or, on occasion, calling out to the driver to ask you politely to alight from the bus.

Yes, we’ve all been there. Fame is a cruel game, and you need a thick shell to cope with a life in the public eye.

The Paparazzi

Dealing with the Paparazzi is the most common cause of the ‘Celebrity Blues’. The photographers are difficult to deal with; their clandestine missions to photograph your bits whenever you leave the house can cause a lot of stress, and make your life somewhat akin to an eyeball in goldfish bowl.

Lemmy&Binky have to deal with this on a daily basis. You never know where the bastards are hiding, but one thing is for sure: They are out there someplace, waiting for the right moment to snap your particulars! Even more harrowing is the secretive manner in which their photos are distributed and printed. They are so crafty at photographing us without our knowledge, it’s almost as if it’s not happening at all.

So if you never see them, their cameras, or their photos, then what’s the problem?

Well, it is invasion of privacy, isn’t it? If you never quite know when the sneaky bastards are going to pop up and snap you, it means you are perpetually on edge. Visiting brothels and our weekly Nazi coffee mornings has become a stressful business. Our peace of mind is quite frankly shot to hell; especially when we’re out abducting livestock under the cover of darkness.

The fear of finding our mugs on the front of the national rags the next day occupies our every waking thought. It hasn’t happened yet, thankfully, but it doesn’t make us sleep any easier!

So what do you do to combat these camera wielding sneaks?

The best way to deal with the Paparazzi, generally, is to make yourself ‘unphotohraphical’ (real word) before you leave the house. A good way to do this is to don a fake moustache, ensure you always have terrible bed hair, and most importantly of all; coat yourself in a light-reactive spray that will render you as an albino space-alien on film.

The only place they’re going to sell those photos is the National Enquirer, or Fortean Times or something. Ha ha! Sucks to be you, photo-snipes! Slebs win, papparazzi 0.

So there we go. That’s all there is to it.

But the best way to deal with the downsides of fame is simply never to become famous in the first place.

We’ll leave you with the words of Big Brother 8 contestant Chanelle Hayes, “Fame is a vapour, popularity an accident, and riches take wings. Only one thing endures, and that is character.”

Wise words indeed!

(or you could just read this, it’s much better writ than this was, like)

What a lovely bloke!

[See post to listen to audio]

Having successfully taken the web comic world by storm, we felt that our next duty was to take Ricky Gervais off his pedestal and show the world how professionals make Podcasts.

Behold then, and may your ears transcend into a higher plane of existence. An extravagant plane of existence… exclusive, members only, a pay per plane of existence.

[See post to listen to audio]

Chavs will steal your expensive new car next week! You will realise that you would not have needed to get the bus to work if you’d had the good sense to get that GPS tracking system fitted!

Your sweet old grandmother will be mugged by a hooded youth after she leaves the post-office tomorrow. You will write a letter to the Sun expressing your anger and demand more police officers on the beat in your area.

Jupiter and Saturn are in conjunction on Tuesday, and as such everyone you’ve ever met will be blown up by some evil foreigner. You will realise that giving the police additional powers to hold terror suspects indefinitely without charge might have stopped this happening.

Your house will be broken into by an Afghan taxi-driver this weekend. Maybe it is time you considered hiding in your airing cupboard until all this has blown over?

The moon is in alignment with Mars this week, suggesting that you will be arrested for a murder you didn’t commit, and will bitterly lament in your cell that there was no centralised DNA database with which you could prove your innocence.

Your identity will be stolen by a 14 year old crack-whore this weekend. After losing your house and all your belongings to the bailiffs, you realise that a small and affordable biometric identification card would have saved you a lot of bother!

Jupiter rising indicates an Iranian chip-shop proprietor will set fire to your grandparents in the coming weeks. Perhaps if there were CCTV cameras outside their flat (or preferably in their living room) such a horrible tragedy could be averted?

This week you will realise what a scary place the outside world is, and that there are thieves and murderers on every street corner. Look out the window. Can you see them? With their evil, beady little eyes! Why not watch some Big Brother to take your mind off it? Big Brother will make everything better!

Muslim extremists will blow up your face on the way to work tomorrow. Why not have a small, unobtrusive implant placed under your skin that allows your friendly government to ensure your safety in the future?

Mercury falling means you might hear rumours of “Cyborg Law Enforcement Units” patrolling the streets of London. Just ignore them–if you’re innocent, then you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Today you will realise that emotion is the primary cause of all pain and suffering in the world, and that by injecting a government-supplied emotion suppressing compound into your blood stream on a daily basis, you will be able to live a carefree and productive life in service of your great country and leaders, free of the shackles of the terrible fear that grips your daily life.

You are free. You are happy. You live a productive and carefree life. Your government will protect you. You are free. You are happy. You live a productive and carefree life. Your government will protect you. You are free. You are happy. You live a productive and carefree life. Your government will protect you.